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Warning.
The following has appeared in the Canadian
Radiation Protection Association bulletin.
The heaviest element known to science was
recently identified by scientist at the National Radiation Council Research center (NRC). The element, tentatively named "administratium", has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have
one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 11 assistant
vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 212. These 212 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is
inert. However it can be detected chemically since it impedes every reaction it
comes in contact with. According to the discoverers a minute amount of
administratium causes a reaction to take four days to complete, when it would
normally occur in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of
approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead
under goes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice-neutrons change places. Some studies have shown that the atomic
weight usually increases after each reorganisation. Research at other
laboratories indicate that administratium occurs naturally with increased levels
of education. It tend to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations, universities and NRC, and can actually be found in
the newest, best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that administratium
is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Attempts are being made
to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising due to delays in correlating the
data.
Copied this, it is too true to leave out.
INDEX
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Bat's
to you too
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get
some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to piss-off and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in.
"Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds
of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"GOOD," shouted the bat,
"BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T!"
INDEX
================================
CODE
OF PRACTICE
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they
did it by killing all those who opposed them. (we do the opposite by having
meetings and getting rid of those who know what they are doing)
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then
you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing
the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has
a scapegoat.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, shut your eyes.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- If you don't do anything, you won't be blamed changing
something.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame
yourself.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Never under-estimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.
- We waste time, so you don't have to.
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at
all.
- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment & fit
the company profile.
INDEX
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Courtroom
Quotes
Unbelievable, but these are from a book called "Disorder in the
Court."
These are things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
******************************************************************
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*******************************************************************
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
********************************************************************
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
********************************************************************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
*********************************************************************
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
********************************************************************
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
********************************************************************
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
*********************************************************************
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
***********************************************************************
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
******************************************************************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
******************************************************************
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
******************************************************************
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
******************************************************************
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
*******************************************************************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
*******************************************************************
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
*******************************************************************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
********************************************************************
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
********************************************************************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*********************************************************************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
**********************************************************************
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
**********************************************************************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***********************************************************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
***********************************************************************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
INDEX
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Signposted directions to
the FUNNY FARM
Consumer Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's
just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn
upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I
gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (get
away)
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts." (and they say that the standard of education is
improving?)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents
for this one.)
On an interstate sign board - Mother's milk not to be transported across
State boundary except in original packaging (Put the baby on a stomach
pump?)
INDEX
========================
Having
a bad day?
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you
just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on
someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!...
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could
be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an
asshole!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the
Telephone
Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's
ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863!!
Keep reading this, it gets better!
An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her
car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden
this black BMW comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls
into her space.
I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here
first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward
the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure is a lot of assholes in
this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone
after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really
easy since I have his number on speed dial now!) I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better
call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and
said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW
for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for
a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the
assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked
out front."
I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
He answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
" I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West
34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th
Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the
whole thing. Glorious satisfaction!
Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad
cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of
my life!
INDEX
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