I'm tired

Yes I'm tired. For years I've been blaming it on my age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, a pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living. 

But-I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

• ..The population of this country is 60 million.

• 25 million are retired, that leaves,35 million to do the work. 

• ..There are 19 million in school, that leaves 16 million to do the work.  

• 2 million are unemployable and 4 million are employed by the Government, that leaves 6 million to do the work. 

• 1 million are in the armed forces which leaves 4 million to do the work. 

• 3 million are employed by Councils leaving 1 million to do the work. 

• There are 620,000 people in Hospital and 379,998 in prison.

• 'That leaves two people to do the work

 ..YOU AND ME.

And you are sitting on your arse reading this.

No wonder I'm fucking tired.

INDEX

=========================

WHAT EVERY CHILD SHOULD KNOW BEFORE THEY LEAVE SCHOOL.

1. Life IS a bitch, so get used to it.
2. The Boss won't give a shit about your self-esteem. You are there to earn money, not to boost your ego.
3. If you screw-up, 1:- Admit it. 2:- Learn from it.
4. No JOB is beneath your dignity. Being paid to do nothing should be.
5. You do not get multi-choice answers in the real world.
6. The boss got where he/she is by standing on toes and kicking arse.
7. You won't climb the ladder on what you think, you MAY climb it by what you know and do.
8. The school may have done away with grades, the boss hasn't.
9. You do not get long holidays. IF the boss has one, he expects to have a business when he gets back.
10. Be careful who you walk over on the way up, they may pass you on the way down.
11. Learn how to talk to "pratt's". you may have to work for one.
12. TV is NOT real life.
13. Your parents got that way by looking after you.

INDEX

==============================

Life really is a bitch

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.  Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" 

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

INDEX

=============================

Manifesto

Tony Blair died.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter asked "Do you wish to go to Heaven or Hell?
Tony said "Cheri and I have always been good Church goers.
Therefore I would like to go to Heaven".
St Peter said "It is your choice, there is no obligation, why not try both before making up you mind. It is for eternity".

So Tony tried both Heaven and Hell.
Heaven was full of Harps, Angels and Classical Music.
Rather a dull place.

In Hell there was 100% employment and enjoyment. Everybody had gym twice  a day, no sickness. The NHS was not required.
Schooling was excellent. Gordon Brown and Ken Livingstone were absent.
Kosovo and Northern Ireland were full of flowers and happy friendly people.

Tory Party, never heard of it. Only a Lovely Queen to obey.
Foxes chased the hounds.
Tony loved it. "I choose Hell" he said.

Six months later St Peter visited Tony in Hell. He found him absolute covered in filth, shoveling coal into a giant furnace.

How are you enjoying Hell? He asked. "It is nothing like my first visit" Tony replied

"Ah, but you only saw the manifesto" said St Peter.

INDEX

=============================

Overtaxed

SIR- Recently reading through some papers left by my late father, I came across the following letter, supposedly written by one Bill Mathewson during the Second World War to his "tax collector. With the spring Budget looming, it seems apposite:

INDEX

=========================

The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

INDEX

===========================

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE 'OPINION POLLED' ON BLAIR'S POPULARITY IF:

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still  have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different  night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their toilets so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this"

8. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia Boss.

10. Your school boy son isn't going out 'cos his girlfriend can't get a baby sitter.

11. You think lowering the age of consent will take the risk out of your relationship now you are 50.

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The book value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to  take the attachment order off the door to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table at the club.

16. You can get a loan easily 'cos you get a regular benefit cheque.

17. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

18. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's still a law against it.

19. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

20. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

21. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

NOW YOU KNOW WHY Tiny Blur is so popular.

INDEX

=============================

SECURITY

To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a leetle bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late.

I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job -- it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!

INDEX

=========================

Sex Laws around the World

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. 
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. 
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. 
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. 
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. 
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. 
(Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... 
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. 
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

INDEX

===========================

SURVIVOR'S TRIBUTE

We were born before television, penicillin, polio vaccine, frozen foods, photocopiers, contact lenses, videos, Frisbees, freebies and the Pill. 
We lived before credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball point pens; before dishwashers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes, and before man walked on the moon. 

We got married first, and then lived together - how quaint can you be? We thought 'fast food' was what you ate in Lent. A 'Big Mac' was an oversize raincoat, and crumpet was what you had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating, dual careers; when meaningful relationships meant getting along with your cousins, and sheltered accommodation was where you waited for a bus. We were born before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies.

We had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt and men wearing earrings. For us 'time sharing' meant togetherness, a chip was a piece of wood or a fried potato, and 'bombed-out' meant that Jerry had dropped a bomb on your house. Hardware meant nuts and bolts and software was not even a word. 

Before 1945 'Made in Japan' meant junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did in your exams. A stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt, and 'going all the way' meant staying on a double-decker bus until it reached the depot.

Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mown, coke was kept in the coalhouse, a joint was a piece of meat you had on Sundays, and pot was something you cooked in. Rock music was a grandmother's lullaby, and a gay person was the life and soul of the party. 

A moneybox was the penny gas meter. People had their toilet outside the home and they ate their meals inside the home. Transportable lightweight baths could be used in any room of the house.
A porn shop was a pawn shop, a handkerchief was a coat sleeve. Footwear was constructed of iron, leather and wood.

A disc jockey was a National Hunt jockey with a back injury. The recycling unit was the rag and bone man. An alarm was known as a knocker-up. The NHS was known as the Doctor's bill of sixpence a week. Debt and illegitimacy were secrets, MacDonald only had a farm. Central heating was an oven plate or a firebrick wrapped in a blanket. A duvet was your dad's overcoat on the bed. A kitchen unit was known as a slop-stone. The Top Ten used to be the Ten Commandments. 

We who were born before 1945 must be a hardy bunch, when you think of the ways in which the world has changed, and of the adjustments that we have had to make. No wonder we are so confused and there is a generation gap ! 

INDEX

=========================

That's Politics

Four Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work  in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!"

-----------
...and one for the Republicans:
Q: What does Tipper like most about being married to Al Gore?
A: She gets to sleep with a different man every night.

INDEX

=======================

WHY ?

Definitions of the ENGLISH Language

• If you spin an Oriental, are they disoriented?
• If Poles come from Poland, do Holes come from Holland?
• If a pianist is someone who plays the piano, why doesn't a racist race.
• Do infants get as much fun out of infancy, as adults with adultery.
• If pig loses it voice, is it disgruntled?
• If a lawyer's are disbarred and clergy defrocked, shouldn't electricians be delighted, cowboys deranged, and musicians denoted, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed?
• Why don't women wear night-gowns to night-clubs? 
• If Love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, why is "I do" the longest?
• If "horrific" is horrible, why isn't "terrific" terrible?
• Why is a "Wise man" the opposite to a "Wise guy"?
• What is the difference between a "Slim chance" and " Fat Chance"?
• Why does "Overlook" and "Oversee" mean opposite things?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety-one"?
• Do Roman Para-medic's refer to IV's as 4's?

Why is it that?

• if someone says there are billion stars, you accept it, yet if a sign says "Wet Paint" you check it?
• the stale bread called "Croutons" is packed in air-tight packages? 
• people invest money through someone called a "broker"?
• that "hard-work" pays off in future, yet "laziness" pays off now?
• some people stop looking for work when they find a job?
• Bills travel at twice the speed of cheques.
• if computers are so brilliant, why didn't they tell Bill Gates that the year 2000 was coming?

Imponderables

• What is the speed of dark?
• How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?
• Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
• Shin: human radar for detecting hard objects in the dark.
• Join the Army and kill interesting people.
• Join the Navy and sink boats and give someone the bath they desperately need.
• Join the Air Force and get one up on Crows and Seagulls.
• I am going to live forever.                        So far, so good.
• if at first you don't succeed, don't try sky-diving.
• if at first you don't succeed, get rid of any evidence that you had tried.
• a conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• I used to have an open mind,               but my brains fell out.
• Experience is something you get when its too late to use it.
• For every action there is an equal and  opposite criticism.
• No one listens until you screw-up.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines,              they get flattened on the road.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• If it's going well, you over-looked something.
• Two wrongs is just the beginning.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• Everyone has a photographic memory,     some just don't have any film.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, coincidence?.
• Depression is anger with no enthusiasm. 
• Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• You never really learn to swear until you sit at a computer.
• The severity of the itch is proportionate to the ability to reach it.
• The colder the x-ray table, the longer you are kept on it.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• If Barbie is popular, why do you have to buy her so many friends?
• A clear conscience is a sign of bad memory.
• A conscience is the thing that hurts when all your other bits feel so damned good.
• If you have to choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a few repayments.
• Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
• I'd kill for the Nobel peace prize.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99.9% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.
• Plan to be spontaneous,                           tomorrow.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Change is inevitable,                 except from vending machines.
• The problem with the gene-pool is there is no life guard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my right hand.
• I almost had a psychic girl friend, but she left before we met.

INDEX

=================================

Flogging a Dead Horse

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:-

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing Riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living, impaired".

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
    
    INDEX

LOVE & MARRIAGE - 10 TELL-TALE DIFFERENCES:

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothing in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

INDEX

Farming Politics Government Posters Humour Technology Religion Nature Me Links  
Email - b e r n a r d - c l a y s o n @ s h u a r t f a r m . f s n e t . c o . u k